Once upon a time, in American society, it was considered impolite to discuss sex, politics, or religion with others. Furthermore, the saying “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” was the guiding principle during most types of conversations. However, today, it seems that discussing sex, politics, and religion, along with social justice and cultural values, happens in person, at work, and online. These discussions can lead to strained relationships with family, coworkers, and friends. When interpersonal conflict arises, it can be tempting to approach difficult conversations with defensiveness or frustration. However, cultivating compassion can transform these interactions into opportunities for understanding, connection, and growth – a skill developed through individual therapy.
Compassion is defined as the “feeling of concern for others’ suffering, a desire to alleviate others’ suffering” (Klimecki, 2019, p.311). There is encouraging evidence that the cultivation of compassion is associated with more helping behaviors, less aggression, more favorable attitudes during conflicts, and more readiness for reconciliation after conflicts (Klimecki, 2019). Compassion allows one to approach a conversation without judgment; rather a curiosity and validation of another’s feelings.
Try asking yourself, “What might this person be feeling or experiencing that led them to hold this belief?”
Ways to cultivate compassion outside of individual therapy:
- Separate the Person From the Problematic Thought or Behavior
When we can separate the person from the problematic thought or behavior, it opens up possibilities for connection and engagement through active listening (Jazaieri & Rock, 2021). Active listening, an individual therapy skill, means being present and fully focused on what the speaker is saying, acknowledging their words, and responding thoughtfully. It requires setting aside one’s agenda and judgments to understand another person’s needs and concerns.
- Practice Nonjudgment
When engaging in difficult conversations what goes through our minds are judgments about ourselves or others which may feel good in the moment, but is likely to make the situation more divisive (Jazaieri & Rock, 2021). These judgments are cognitive distortions – yes, distorted thoughts. Practicing nonjudgment outside of therapy means pausing and asking yourself, “What is actually true in this situation?” “What is this person really saying?”
- Perspective Taking
Perspective-taking, a core component of empathy, means considering the situation more generally from the other person’s perspective (Jazaieri & Rock, 2021). To practice perspective-taking, ask yourself, “What might life be like for this person?,” “What are this person’s needs in life?,” and “Are their needs being met or unmet?”
- Find Similarity
When in a place of curiosity, briefly consider the similarities you have with the person who exhibits thoughts or behaviors that prove difficult for you. When experiencing interpersonal challenges, it’s easier to engage in “othering” behavior—convincing ourselves that this is their behavior and that we are quite different (Jazaieri & Rock, 2021). Unfortunately, when getting locked into this “us” vs. “them” perspective, it becomes difficult to see what is true (Jazaieri & Rock, 2021). Thus, finding common ground and shared goals can foster empathy and cooperation.
To have compassion for another perspective does not mean agreement with that perspective. To truly get along with someone with whom you disagree, may mean setting firm boundaries when necessary. If a conversation becomes disrespectful or abusive it is okay to disengage by simply saying, “I value this conversation, but I need a pause at this time.” If you struggle to maintain your calm and composure during difficult conversations, individual therapy can help you cultivate compassion for yourself and others.
Emily Parodi, LPC, LMHC
Psy. D. Doctoral Intern
References
Jazaieri, H., & Rock, M. (2021). Putting compassion to work: Compassion as a tool for navigating challenging workplace relationships. Mindfulness, 12(10), 2552-2558.
Klimecki, O. M. (2019). The role of empathy and compassion in conflict resolution. Emotion Review, 11(4), 310-325.
