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High Expectations Around The Holidays

Holidays are a time for enjoyment but also a stressful time for many. Our counselors often see increased stress, anxiety and depression around the holidays. There is the stress that results from all the positive activities involved – buying gifts, preparing to entertain. You might call this “good stress.” Happy stress. There is no sadness about it. Yet running around trying to take care of everything, sometimes we just forget to breathe. Of course we can’t help but breathe a little, but that shallow breathing doesn’t allow enough oxygen in and can often lead to anxiety. So take a deep breath, take another few. Think about how lucky you are to live safely in this affluent country of ours, with a warm house and warm clothes, flatscreen tv’s and smart phones, so many things you don’t absolutely need, and yet more money left to spend on gifts. Think about how lucky you are to have family and friends to cook and buy gifts for. Take your time, do your best and no more.

If you are not enjoying most of your holiday-related activities, it means that you are thinking about it all wrong. Approach the holidays with calm, positivity and self-acceptance.

Winter weather can bring on seasonal affective disorder and depressive, negative thoughts. Be careful not to judge yourself too harshly, not to set unreasonable expectations for yourself. Do what you reasonably can, no more. And take care of yourself, take a yoga class or exercise. Too much drinking or eating will disrupt your healthy mental outlook.

Along with self-acceptance, you’ll do well to approach those around you – family members, friends and co-workers – with acceptance and understanding. We are all imperfect human beings, all works in progress. Forgive those around you for their imperfections, and your new attitude may give them a chance to improve. Even if they don’t, know that you don’t need people to be as you would like them to be. It would be nice, but you can be okay even so. Take a deep breath and enjoy what you have.
There is sadness around the holidays, for those who feel lonely, disconnected. Maybe far away from home, maybe having lost a loved one. We have all been there at some point. Expectations are higher around the holidays. Some view their social situation around the holidays as a test of how adequate a person they are, how adequate their life is. Not having a holiday celebration to go to, not having a loved one, makes us feel that we are not okay, not acceptable. This is of course never true, as no one is unacceptable. Circumstances don’t determine one’s worth. On the other hand, finding ourselves lonely at the holidays may be a sign that it’s time to reach out more. There is always a way to improve things, even if it may take some time.

If you are lucky to be dealing with the positive stresses of the holiday season, keep your eyes open for those around you who might need some help getting into the holiday spirit. Very few people alone at this time would truly choose their solitude. So reach out, include if you can. Resolve is here to help sort through the difficulties and guide towards happier days.

Anger – Usually a Destructive Emotion

Resolve Community Counseling Center receives many referrals from the Union County court system to provide “anger management” to persons involved in domestic and other disputes.  Many other clients find their way to us because of communication problems with family members or problems getting along with co-workers.  These difficulties often arise as a result of anger.

An angry display can intimidate others and can perhaps help us get our way in certain situations.  We show them “who’s boss.”  We show them we’re not afraid to fight for our rights (literally or figuratively).  We (temporarily) feel good, strong  &  powerful!  Certainly in the animal kingdom teeth bared and a menacing growl let potential enemies know that there would be a steep price to pay for any unwelcome advances.  But in today’s society, much more often than not, anger and aggression have undesirable consequences.

Anger held in eats at you.  Anger directed outward hurts others and there may well be repercussions.  The great majority of the time, it’s just not a good emotion to hold on to, to give in to.  We have all experienced it, some more often than others, some more intensely than others.  Some quietly boiling inside, others cursing, hitting, punishing others for their perceived bad behaviors.  Yet many others, often with help from a therapist, learn to change their thinking in a way that allows them to diminish and even get rid of their anger.  They no longer have to live with this unhealthy emotion, and they no longer have to worry about lashing out and suffering negative consequences.

Emotions don’t just happen, and events and people don’t exactly make us angry.  We make ourselves angry.  To a very great extent, emotions, including anger, derive from our perception and assessment of our environment and those around us.  The same event can make us angry or not, depending on how we interpret it.  For example if we get bumped by another person’s arm and we perceive this as an accident we’ll be annoyed, but not angry. Yet if we perceive the very same physical contact as a purposeful act of aggression, we will likely feel angry.

The first step towards emotional control is learning not to jump to negative conclusions about others’ intent and the meaning of events occurring around us.  An accurate interpretation of our environment is important.  However, it may not be enough, if someone does in fact hit us on purpose, aggressively.  Or if someone does say something to or about us that we didn’t like or approve of.  How do we handle real negative events, negative interactions, negative outcomes?

The second step towards having appropriate emotions and not giving in to anger is properly assessing the meaning of the event we are faced with.  Before getting angry or upset, we mentally assess the situation.  We decide how bad it is, what it means to us.   A lot of split-second thoughts, beliefs and evaluations go into the final determination of “I am angry,” the accompanying feeling of anger and possibly aggressive behaviors.  We have beliefs about how bad something is.  We have beliefs about how much we can or should tolerate.  We have beliefs about how others should act.  We have beliefs about the world having to be fair.  We have beliefs that tell us how we should react in order to feel good about ourselves.

Thinking that something is awful and terrible will lead to more anger and distress than thinking that it’s a disappointment, but not the end of the world.  Thinking that we shouldn’t have to deal with frustration, that the world should be fair and people should necessarily be considerate and act appropriately will likely leave us frustrated and angry.

Bringing our expectations down a notch does wonders for our emotional well-being.  Yes, less frustration would be better, things going our way and people behaving as they ideally should would be wonderful.  But even if people and events fall short of our preferences, it’s in fact not awful and terrible, just disappointing and maybe a setback.  Short of being physically tortured, nothing is truly awful, to the point where we cannot be expected to be able to control our responses.  People disappoint us – live and learn.  Maybe forgive them, maybe move on to other friends.  Things don’t go our way – we learn from what we could have done better, move on and try something else.  Do we absolutely Need for everything to go our way?  Not in the least.  What we do need is to develop self-understanding and acceptance of the world as it is, and to move through life’s ups and downs creatively and with a positive outlook.

There are many techniques that can be used to help control one’s anger.  Deep breathing, counting back by fives from 100, listening to music, exercising.  And many more behavioral techniques can be tailored to the individual, often with help of a psychologist or counselor.  But to achieve deep, long-lasting changes in one’s approach to anger, one must learn to pay attention to the irrational, overly demanding and ultimately self-defeating thoughts that cause the feelings of anger and behavioral dyscontrol.

Learning to properly assess oneself and one’s environment, without cognitive distortions, is a primary goal of Aaron Beck’s Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).  Learning to accept negative events with equanimity frees us to focus on what is positive and what can be achieved, without rigid, unrealistic demands that hold us down.  The latter is the philosophical approach used in Albert Ellis’s Rational-Emotional Behavioral Therapy (REBT).  Both CBT and REBT use behavioral techniques along with cognitive ones.  Both are effective, evidence-based forms of treatment used by counselors at Resolve Community Counseling Center in Scotch Plains.  For more information visit, email, or call us at 908 322-9180.

By Lidia D. Abrams, PhD

Licensed psychologist
Executive Director,
Resolve Community Counseling Center
1830 Front Street
Scotch Plains, NJ 07076

Notes about Children and Anxiety by Resolve Counselor Debra Ferro, MFT

Anxiety disorders are the most frequently diagnosed disorders in children and adolescents. Estimates assert that 10-20% of children are born with a highly reactive temperament to anything new or unfamiliar. Does that mean that they will develop an anxiety disorder? No, there are things that may be done to assist these children with emotional regulation.
What is anxiety?
Anxiety is an alarm system, it may be viewed as all of the things that cause stress minus the individuals coping abilities. This will result in the individual’s anxiety level. This may be viewed as a mathematical equation.
While it is not possible to negate all stressors, it is possible to increase coping abilities and reduce the anxiety level.
Children and Anxiety
Children are over scheduled, schools are highly competitive, there is instant access to details of every disaster and 24 hour news channels provide graphic images throughout the day. Children hear adults discuss finances, safety issues and world problems. The use of technology has contributed to instant gratification and immediate access to whatever a child may want. Of particular interest to me is games that are played on the internet. If a child is losing they simply restart the game and begin again. When I am playing a game with a child during a therapy session it is not uncommon for them to ask to start over if they are losing. When I refuse to do this, because I am winning it is often met with frustration and anger. This may then be considered a stressor for them.
The list above is not an all inclusive list of stressors to children, each individual child has their own stressors to add to the list. What may be a stressor for one child, may not be for another. . While a certain amount of anxiety can be motivating in some instances, how does a parent handle the over anxious child and how does a parent even know if their child is experiencing high anxiety?
Anxiety is not always obvious in children, they will not necessarily voice their worries and fears. It may manifest itself physically; headaches, sleep disturbance, nail biting, chest pain, nausea, stomach ailments, to name a few. The list is quite long and different for each child. The child may refuse to go to school, begin to exhibit a high anger level or short fuse. They may begin to argue with their parents about everything from dinner to bedtime to homework. The worries and fears are buried down deep and are expressed through their anger. The child also may begin to avoid activities that they used to enjoy. The child who no longer wants to go to karate may actually be worried that their skills are not as good as everyone else in the class. If they do not attend karate anymore they will not have to address this worry. The adolescent who is refusing to begin their college applications may actually be worried that they will not get into college and therefore if they avoid applying they will not have to face this fear. Children may also establish rituals to maintain perceived control of their life, to reduce their fears. If the ritual is upset or altered they may become extremely upset.
Addressing High Anxiety Levels
Parents can be helpful to their children with high anxiety by modeling and helping the child to alter their cognitive distortions or the way they think and process situations. Children learn how to behave in certain situations by social modeling, they watch others. They also learn how to react in certain situations by watching how others react. If you as a parent or caregiver experience difficulty with emotional regulation, your child may also exhibit a lack of this regulation. In simpler terms if you are an “over reactor” your child may also be an “over reactor”. They have learned the importance of events by watching their parents/caregivers react.
If someone took your parking space on the street and you enter the home ranting about it for 10 minutes, the child has observed and internalized that someone taking a parking space is an awful, terrible thing. They have also learned that the way you deal with it is to rant and rave about it. You have put the loss of a parking space on the same emotional level as something much more serious. The little things, become really big things and elicit a big reaction. The next day someone takes your child’s seat in the cafeteria, how will they react? How much anxiety will it provoke? Just yesterday they learned that ranting and raving about it is the way to go. However, this did not solve the problem. While they vented about it, the feelings surrounding it have been suppressed. Adults must realize that children are watching and learning from them constantly. It is through this observation that children will form cognitions (thought processes). These cognitions may be healthy or distorted depending on the learning that has occurred.
However, if your child is already experiencing high anxiety there are techniques that may be utilized to reduce their level. If you suspect your child may have a tendency for higher anxiety these techniques will also help. These techniques will be explored in the next segment.

Invitation to Post

I would like to encourage Everyone to use this blog. Community members, our counselors, past and current, as well as our school-based colleagues, please leave comments about the challenges our community faces, suggestions for coping with different mental health, substance-related, relationship-related issues. Find useful information in your readings, continuing education workshops? Post it here, share it and open it up for conversation!

Resolve to Have Fundraiser Dinner October 27, 2014

Resolve October Fundraising Dinner at The Netherwood Bar & Grill
1370 South Avenue, Plainfield, NJ 07062   908-753-4500

Make reservations and identify yourself as a Friend of Resolve….See More
Restaurants Union County – Netherwood Bar & Grill’s- Union County Restaurants

The Netherwood Bar & Grill’s menu options make us one of the most popular restaurants in Union County NJ. Our menu will satisfy even the most critical diner…

Working with Children At Resolve

Resolve Comarticle-2544745-1AE8B36600000578-554_154x115munity Counseling in working with children strives to utilize evidence based treatments.  That is the type of psychotherapy chosen to aid a particular child is that which is most appropriate for his or her problem and one that is based on the latest based research.  For example, very often girls with eating disorders will have elements of a borderline personality.  The most effective treatment for this is Dialectical Behavior Therapy.  If that is indicated to be appropriate for this child, psychotherapists will skills in that protocol will bechosen.  We are not satisfied with merely helping children feel better but determining the underlying problems in their personality, personal view of life, attitudes, and behaviors that need to be fundamentally changed to guide them to a better life.

Theoretical Foundations of CBT and REBT in Psychotherapy

The evidence in psychotherapy now supports a de-emphasis of early childhood explorations. While REBT and CBT accepts the fact that neurotic states are sometimes originally learned or aggravated by early teaching or irrational beliefs by one’s family and by society, it holds that these early-acquired irrationalities are not automatically sustained over the years by themselves.Instead, they are very actively and creatively re-instilled by the individuals themselves. In many cases the therapist spends very little time on the clients’ parents or family upbringing; and yet helps them to bring about significant changes in their disturbed patterns of living. The therapist demonstrates that no matter what the clients’ basic irrational philosophy of life, nor when and how they acquired it, they are presently disturbed because they still believe this self-defeating world- and self-view. If they will observe exactly what they are irrationally thinking in the present, and will challenge and question these self-statements they will usually improve significantly.